Growing up without a strong, positive role model can leave a deep void. You may feel like you’re navigating life without a compass, constantly guessing what the “right” decision looks like or how to build the life you want. But here’s the powerful truth: you can become your own role model, and in doing so, you’ll build a version of yourself that your younger self would be proud of.
This post is for anyone who grew up without parents, with emotionally unavailable or abusive caregivers, or simply lacked someone to look up to. Let’s explore how you can take control of your own growth, character, and future by becoming the example you never had.
1. Redefine What a Role Model Means to You
Most of us grow up believing role models are older, wiser people who set an example. But in reality, a role model is someone who embodies the values, habits, and mindset you admire—someone who shows you what’s possible.
Ask yourself:
- What qualities do I admire in others?
- What kind of person do I want to become?
- What impact do I want to have?
When you answer these questions, you’re setting your own standard. Your role model doesn’t need to be someone else. It can be the best, most evolved version of you.
You can also use my Self-Love Workbook to dive deeper into this.
2. Accept the Past Without Letting It Define You
It’s okay to feel grief over the guidance and support you never received. It’s okay to feel angry, lost, or even jealous of others who had more nurturing upbringings. Healing starts by acknowledging your reality without shame.
But once you acknowledge it, don’t stay there. You are not broken. You are becoming. And what you didn’t get from others, you can now learn to give yourself.
3. Learn Through Observation and Curiosity
When you lack direct role models, you can still learn from the world around you. Study people you admire—whether they’re public figures, authors, or even fictional characters. You’re not copying them—you’re gathering inspiration to shape your own values.
Try this:
- Read autobiographies of people who overcame adversity.
- Watch interviews or listen to podcasts from people you admire.
- Observe how confident, kind, or successful people carry themselves.
The more exposure you have to healthy patterns, the more naturally they’ll begin to influence your own.
4. Set Personal Standards, Not Just Goals
Goals are great, but standards are what shape character. Role models don’t just succeed in what they do; they succeed in who they are.
Create your own personal code:
- How do you speak to yourself?
- How do you treat others, even when they don’t deserve kindness?
- What are your non-negotiables in relationships?
- How do you respond to setbacks?
Write them down. Live by them. Review them regularly.
5. Develop Emotional Self-Support
One of the most powerful traits of a self-made role model is emotional self-reliance. You can’t wait for someone to come and rescue you from insecurity, fear, or overwhelm. You are your own safe place now.
Ways to cultivate this:
- Practice self-compassion. Speak to yourself the way a nurturing mentor would.
- Journal your thoughts so you can process instead of suppress.
- Learn emotional regulation tools like deep breathing, grounding, or EFT tapping.
The stronger your internal support system, the less you’ll seek external validation.
6. Take Daily Action Toward Growth
Consistency builds credibility. Every time you follow through on a promise to yourself—whether it’s making your bed, showing up to the gym, or standing up for yourself, you are reinforcing your new identity.
Here’s how to build momentum:
- Create a simple morning routine that makes you feel grounded.
- Keep a “proof” list of times you were strong, kind, or brave.
- Set monthly challenges to stretch your comfort zone.
- Celebrate progress over perfection.
Over time, you’ll begin to trust yourself the way a child trusts a strong, loving role model.
7. Be the Role Model Your Younger Self Needed
Picture yourself at your most vulnerable age. Maybe 7, 14 or 19. Now picture the version of you they needed. Calm. Wise. Patient. Strong. Unshakable. Loving.
You are building that version now.
Talk to your younger self often. Let them know you’ve got this. That they’re safe with you. That everything they went through won’t go to waste, because it’s shaping a woman who refuses to repeat the past, who chooses healing, and who leads herself with grace and courage.
You’re More Than Enough
If no one ever told you how to love yourself, trust yourself, or believe in yourself, it’s okay. You’re learning now. Becoming your own role model is not about being perfect; it’s about being intentional. It’s about choosing growth over self-pity, purpose over pain, and inner strength over external approval.
You are becoming the woman you needed. And that’s not just brave, it’s beautiful.
Love,
Jana 💕
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